Picture someone in their late forties scrolling through house listings at night. Their own home is the one they spent years saving for, the one they once walked past and hoped might someday be theirs. Now they're looking at places with one more bedroom and a bigger yard, and their own kitchen suddenly feels a little small.
Epicurus, the Greek philosopher who founded a school in a garden outside Athens around 306 BCE, had a short line for this habit: "Don't ruin the things you have by wanting what you don't have, but realize that they too are things you once did wish for" (Vatican Saying 35, Peter Saint-Andre's translation).
Wanting things in midlife and beyond is healthy. But some pursuits rarely deliver what they promise, and Epicurus had a surprising amount to say about aging, gratitude and the years we've already lived. Here are eight things that may be worth letting go of, drawn from his sayings and letters.
1. Measuring yourself against your younger self
Epicurus had an unusually kind view of getting older. "It is not the young man who is most happy, but the old man who has lived beautifully," one saying reads. The young person "stumbles around as if he were of many minds," while the older person "has settled into old age as if in a harbor, secure in his gratitude for the good things he was once unsure of" (17).
Staying active and healthy as you age is good sense. The habit worth dropping is the constant comparison with who you were at twenty-five. The harbor image invites us to appreciate what age has given us without constantly measuring it against youth.
When you catch yourself thinking "I'm not what I used to be," try finishing a different sentence: "I've got things now I was once unsure I'd ever have."
2. Forgetting what has already gone well
One of the shortest Vatican Sayings is also one of the sharpest: "He who forgets the good things he had yesterday becomes an old man today" (19).
Epicurus wasn't insulting older people here. He was saying that what really ages a person is losing touch with the good things they've already had. It's easy to do. A busy week can pass without a single thought about the friend who called, the meal that went well or the walk that cleared your head.
A simple habit is to end each week by naming one good thing it held. Write it down if you can. Over a year, that list becomes a record of a life that was going better than it felt at the time.
3. Treating the past as something to fix
By midlife, most people carry some losses and regrets: a relationship that ended, a parent who died, a path they didn't take. Epicurus offered an unusual remedy: "Misfortune must be cured through gratitude for what has been lost and the knowledge that it is impossible to change what has happened" (55).
That isn't a call to stop grieving. It's a suggestion about where grief might eventually lead. Instead of replaying what went wrong, it can help to remember what was good about what you lost, and to accept that the past is finished, which also means it can't be taken away.
One way to practice this is to think of something you still regret and ask: "What was good about it while it lasted?"
4. Postponing happiness until the end is secure
Another saying takes aim at a piece of old Greek wisdom: "This saying is utterly ungrateful for the good things one has achieved: provide for the end of a long life" (75). The maxim he was criticizing is often linked to the idea, associated with the Athenian statesman Solon, that no one should be called happy until their life is over.
Epicurus thought that waiting for the final verdict ignores the good already in hand. Elsewhere he advised: "While you are on the road, try to make the later part better than the earlier part; and be equally happy when you reach the end" (48).
Planning for retirement and later life is sensible. The thing worth letting go of is the belief that you can only relax once every risk is covered. If you notice yourself saying "I'll enjoy things once…", try enjoying one thing this week before that box is ticked.
5. Living for an audience
"The esteem of others is outside our control; we must attend instead to healing ourselves," reads one saying (64). In another, Epicurus congratulates a friend who is growing older: "I rejoice with you, for you are the kind of person I would praise if you were to grow old as you are, and who knows the difference between seeking wisdom for yourself and for the sake of Greece" (76).
That last phrase is the key. "For the sake of Greece" means for show, for a wider audience. Many people spend their early decades adjusting themselves for parents, bosses and neighbors. Midlife can be a good time to ask which of your habits are really for you.
A simple test for any commitment: "Would I still do this if no one ever found out?"
6. Needing to win every argument
One saying reads: "In a scholarly dispute, he who loses gains more because he has learned something" (74).
Epicurus was talking about philosophical debate, but the idea travels well. A lot of energy in early adulthood can go into being right, at the dinner table, in meetings and online. Treating a lost argument as a small gain rather than a defeat can take a surprising amount of pressure off.
It can be as simple as saying, "That's a good point. I hadn't thought of it that way," and meaning it. You leave with something useful, even if your view didn't prevail.
7. Someone else's life
"Envy no one," reads another saying. "For good people do not deserve envy, and the more that wicked people succeed the more they ruin things for themselves" (53).
Midlife comparison can be especially sharp. Friends sell businesses, retire early or post photos from places you've never been. Epicurus offered a simple tool for those moments: "Ask this question of every desire: what will happen to me if the object of desire is achieved, and what if not?" (71).
Applied to envy, it often deflates the feeling. If you had your friend's life, what would actually change, and what would you give up? If you never get it, how much would your own life really suffer?
8. The idea that it's too late to learn
Epicurus opened his Letter to Menoeceus with a direct challenge to that idea. "Let no one be slow to seek wisdom when he is young nor weary in the search thereof when he is grown old. For no age is too early or too late for the health of the soul." Older people, he added, should keep seeking wisdom so that they may be "young in good things because of the grace of what has been" (Diogenes Laertius 10.122, R. D. Hicks's translation).
He also pointed out something that makes learning in later life especially rewarding. In most pursuits, the reward comes only after you've mastered them, but in the study of wisdom, "enjoying comes along with learning, not afterward" (27).
That second point applies to more than philosophy. You don't have to become fluent in a language, play an instrument well or finish a history of Rome before the learning starts to feel good. If there's something you've put off because you assume you're too old, the first lesson is as good a place to start as any.
Letting go isn't the same as giving up
None of this means midlife is a time to stop wanting things. Epicurus himself thought it was worth trying to make the later part of life better than the earlier part. Changing careers, ending an unhappy relationship or chasing a long-delayed dream can all be wise choices at any age.
It's also easier to let go of wanting more when your basic needs are secure. Financial strain, caring for others, job loss and poor health can make security feel out of reach, through no fault of the person facing them. Wanting more stability in those situations isn't a failure of gratitude.
And gratitude for what has been lost doesn't come on a schedule. Some losses need years of grief before anything like gratitude is possible, and that's normal. These sayings work best as directions to lean in, not as tests to pass.
One place to start
Find a photo of yourself from ten or twenty years ago. Look at it for a minute and name one thing in your life now that the person in that photo was hoping for.
It might be a relationship, a home, a skill or simply a calmer stretch of life. Whatever it is, Epicurus would say it deserves a moment of appreciation before you think about what comes next.
