Most of us have at least one. The relative who always finds the sore spot. The colleague who turns every meeting into a contest. The neighbor who seems to enjoy a grievance. You can't always avoid them, and you can't control what they do. What you can work on is how much of your day they get to take.
Philosophers have been thinking about this for a long time, across very different traditions. Aristotle, the Buddha, Confucius and the Greek essayist Plutarch didn't agree on everything. Their writings offer different ways to think about anger, restraint and responding well. The suggestions below adapt those ideas to everyday encounters with difficult people.
Here are eight simple ways to protect your peace, each with a small way to practice it.
1. Calm doesn't mean having no response
Aristotle made a point that's easy to forget. Anyone can get angry, he wrote in the Nicomachean Ethics (2.9). That part is easy. "But to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for every one, nor is it easy."
He didn't think the ideal person never got angry. In book 4, he describes the good-tempered person as someone who is "angry at the right things and with the right people" and for the right length of time (4.5). He even criticized people who aren't angry at things they should be. So staying calm isn't about feeling nothing. It's about not letting the response get bigger than the situation.
When someone gets under your skin, ask yourself a simple question before you respond: what size of response does this actually deserve? Often the answer is smaller than the one your body is preparing.
2. Lower your voice first
In Plutarch's dialogue On Controlling Anger, the main speaker, Fundanus, describes a habit of Socrates. Whenever Socrates felt himself becoming too harsh with a friend, he "would lower his voice, cause a smile to spread over his face, and make the expression of his eyes more gentle" (ch. 4).
Fundanus's own advice is similar. The first step, he says, is not to obey anger "when it bids us cry aloud and look fierce," but "to keep quiet and not intensify the passion" (ch. 5). Elsewhere he puts it even more simply: whoever "gives no fuel to fire puts it out" (ch. 4).
This is one of the most practical ideas in the whole tradition, because it starts with the body rather than the mind. When a conversation heats up, speaking a little more slowly and quietly can help you avoid adding to the escalation. The other person may stay angry; you can still choose your pace, words and next step. A phrase that can help: "I want to discuss this, but I need us to take turns."
3. You don't have to accept what's handed to you
An early Buddhist text, the Akkosa Sutta (Saṃyutta Nikāya 7.2), tells of a man who came to the Buddha and insulted him to his face. The Buddha asked him a question. When guests come to your house and you offer them food, and they don't accept it, who does the food belong to? The man answered that it was still his.
"In the same way," the Buddha replied, the insults he had been offered were not accepted. "It's all yours." He added that returning insult for insult is like eating together with the person who started it.
What's worth noticing is that the Buddha didn't stay silent or walk away. He answered, clearly and calmly. Declining someone's hostility isn't the same as ignoring them.
Next time someone hands you a barbed comment, picture it as an offering you can leave on the table. You can still respond to the substance, if there is any, without picking up the tone.
4. Notice when you're replaying it
The opening verses of the Dhammapada describe a familiar trap. "He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." In Acharya Buddharakkhita's translation, those who keep turning such thoughts over "do not still their hatred" (verse 3). Those who don't, do (verse 4).
Difficult people often take up far more of our time after the encounter than during it. The conversation lasts ten minutes. The replay in your head lasts all evening.
This doesn't mean pretending nothing happened. If something needs dealing with, deal with it. But when you catch yourself rehearsing the same exchange for the fifth time, it can help to name what you're doing: "I'm replaying it." Then turn your attention to something in front of you. The verse's point is that the replaying keeps the feeling alive.
5. Spend more energy on your side of the interaction
Confucius offered a quiet piece of advice that cuts against our instincts. In Robert Eno's translation of the Analects, he says that "if one emphasizes enhancing one's own qualities and curtails finding fault with others, one will keep resentments at a distance" (15.15).
This isn't a suggestion that a difficult person's behavior is your fault. One way to apply it today is to spend less time cataloging another person's flaws and more time deciding how you want to behave.
Before you see someone who tests you, decide one thing about your own conduct. You might choose to stay courteous, to keep your answers short, or not to take the bait on a particular topic. Then measure the encounter by whether you did that, not by whether they behaved.
6. Let them teach you something, even if it's what not to do
Confucius also said that whenever he walked with two other people, his teachers were present. "I draw out what is good in them so as to emulate it myself, and what is not good in them so as to alter it in myself" (Analects 7.22).
In Plutarch's dialogue On Controlling Anger, the speaker Fundanus describes learning to manage his temper by observing anger in others. He noticed how it changed their faces, their color and their voices, and he was uncomfortable at the thought of ever appearing that way to his own family (ch. 6).
After a frustrating encounter, it can help to ask one question: what did that show me about how I don't want to act? It turns a draining interaction into something you can at least learn from.
7. Know when to stop persuading
When a student asked Confucius about friends, his answer was short: "Advise them loyally and guide them well. If this does not work, desist. Do not humiliate yourself" (Analects 12.23).
Confucius was talking about friends, and he doesn't say how many attempts are enough. But one way to apply the passage more widely is to notice when persuasion has stopped working. A lot of our frustration with difficult people comes from trying, again and again, to make them see something they've already decided not to see.
Say what matters clearly and give the other person room to respond. If the conversation keeps circling without progress, pause it and decide what action is yours to take. You might say: "I've explained my concern. We're repeating ourselves, so I'm going to pause this conversation."
8. Spend more time with people who steady you
Confucius also had something to say about the company we keep. "There are three types of friends who improve you, and three types of friends who diminish you," he said (Analects 16.4). The friends who improve you are "straightforward, sincere, and have learned much." The ones who diminish you are "fawning, insincere, and crafty in speech."
You can't always choose who you work with or who sits across from you at family dinners. But you usually have some say over the balance. Protecting your peace isn't only about handling difficult people well. It's also about making sure they aren't the only people you spend time with.
If you know a hard conversation is coming this week, plan something afterward with someone who leaves you feeling steadier.
When protecting your peace means distance
None of these ideas ask you to put up with mistreatment. Aristotle criticized people who fail to get angry at things that deserve it. The Buddha answered his critic directly. Confucius told his student to stop when advice wasn't working, rather than humiliate himself by pressing on.
Some difficult people are simply prickly. Others are unkind on purpose, or unsafe to be around. For the second kind, staying calm might mean less contact, clearer limits, or leaving the room. Calm is about responding wisely. Sometimes the wise response is distance.
One place to start
You don't need all eight at once. Think of the next difficult person you're likely to see and pick one. Lower your voice when things heat up. Leave the barbed comment on the table. Know when to stop persuading.
You may still feel shaken afterward. A calmer response, a clearer limit or a decision to step away can still be progress. Peace around difficult people isn't something they give you. It's something you protect, a little at a time.
