Marcus Aurelius ruled the Roman Empire, and he still had to deal with difficult people. His private notebook, now known as the Meditations, was never meant for anyone else to read. One entry is a note on how to start the day.
"Begin the morning by saying to thyself, I shall meet with the busy-body, the ungrateful, arrogant, deceitful, envious, unsocial" (Meditations 2.1, George Long's translation).
It can sound like a grim way to wake up. But the point wasn't to expect the worst of everyone. It was to make sure rudeness didn't catch him off guard and decide how he behaved. That's close to what people often mean by real class: staying gracious when someone else isn't. Here are eight habits that tend to help, drawn from the rest of Marcus's notebook.
1. They expect rudeness without taking it personally
Marcus's morning note doesn't stop at the list. He goes on to explain why these people behave this way: "All these things happen to them by reason of their ignorance of what is good and evil." And because of that, he says, "I can neither be injured by any of them, for no one can fix on me what is ugly" (2.1). The injury he means is to his character: other people's behavior can't, by itself, make him unjust or cruel.
The modern version is a short mental rehearsal. Before a busy day, it helps to admit that someone will probably be short with you, whether it's a stressed colleague, a driver who cuts in or a customer having a bad week. Expecting it doesn't mean wanting it. It means the first rude comment is less likely to set the tone for the rest of your day.
A simple version takes thirty seconds over breakfast: "Who might test my patience today, and how do I want to come across if they do?"
2. They give people the benefit of the doubt
Marcus borrowed an idea from Plato: "Every soul, the philosopher says, is involuntarily deprived of truth." People who act badly, on this view, usually don't see things clearly. Marcus thought this was worth remembering constantly, "for thus thou wilt be more gentle towards all" (7.63).
Few people today would put it in those terms. But a modern application is simple: rudeness often has a cause you can't see. The curt receptionist may be ten hours into a double shift. The relative who snapped at dinner may have had bad news that morning.
A useful question in the moment is: "What would make this make sense?" You don't have to find the answer. Asking the question is often enough to soften your reply.
3. They aren't surprised when difficult people act true to form
Marcus had a blunt image for being shocked by predictable behavior. "It is natural that these things should be done by such persons," he wrote, "and if a man will not have it so, he will not allow the fig-tree to have juice" (4.6). Elsewhere he put it even more plainly: "To seek what is impossible is madness: and it is impossible that the bad should not do something of this kind" (5.17).
Everyone has a few people who reliably push their buttons: the colleague who interrupts, the in-law who comments on your choices, the neighbor who complains about everything. Being freshly outraged every time tends to cost you more than it costs them.
The idea is to lower your surprise, not your standards. You can still think the behavior is wrong while deciding your response ahead of time: "He often interrupts, so this time I'll say, 'Let me finish this point, then I'd like to hear yours.'"
4. They don't turn a rude moment into a deep wound
In the very next passage after the fig tree, Marcus wrote: "Take away thy opinion, and then there is taken away the complaint, 'I have been harmed.' Take away the complaint, 'I have been harmed,' and the harm is taken away" (4.7).
Marcus is concerned here with protecting your character. Someone else's cruelty cannot, by itself, make you cruel. Their words can still hurt and have consequences, while leaving you a choice about how to respond. The passage also points to something useful in everyday life: a lot of the sting comes from the story we add. "He interrupted me twice" is an event. "He thinks I'm worthless and everyone saw it" is an interpretation, and it often hurts far more.
When something rude happens, try describing it in plain, factual words, as if you were writing it in a report. The facts are usually smaller than the story.
5. They correct the person without contempt
Staying gracious doesn't mean staying silent. Marcus imagined someone being irritated by a person with bad breath and asked what anger would achieve. His advice was to reason with the person instead: "show him his error, admonish him. For if he listens, thou wilt cure him, and there is no need of anger" (5.28).
He summed up the choice in one line: "Men exist for the sake of one another. Teach them then or bear with them" (8.59).
Today, teaching might be a calm, specific comment: "That sounded dismissive. If you disagree, please tell me specifically what you'd change." If the person isn't open to hearing it, bearing with them might simply mean letting it go for now. Either way, there's no need for a cutting reply.
6. They keep doing what they came to do
Marcus used a surprisingly ordinary example. If someone asked you how to spell a name, he wrote, you wouldn't strain your voice over each letter. "What then if they grow angry, wilt thou be angry too? Wilt thou not go on with composure and number every letter?" His conclusion was that it's your duty, "without being disturbed or showing anger towards those who are angry with thee to go on thy way and finish that which is set before thee" (6.26).
Rudeness often pulls a conversation off course. A meeting about a budget turns into an argument about someone's tone. A customer complaint becomes a contest over who was more polite.
One of the most gracious moves is to bring things back to the task: "Let's get back to the timeline. What do you need from me by Friday?" It shows you won't be thrown, and it doesn't reward the rudeness with a scene.
7. They keep their basic courtesy while adjusting their trust
Marcus warned himself against two kinds of weakness. One is being pushed off course. The other is being pushed out of kindness. People who try to stand in your way, he wrote, should not "drive thee from thy benevolent feelings towards them" (11.9). Elsewhere he gave himself an even shorter reminder: "Take care not to feel towards the inhuman, as they feel towards men" (7.65).
In practice, this often shows up afterward. You stay civil, follow through on your responsibilities and avoid humiliating them in return. You can also share what happened with someone who can help, or become more selective about spending time together.
That doesn't mean pretending it never happened, or trusting them as much as before. It just means their behavior doesn't get to decide yours.
8. They remember they've been the rude one too
One of Marcus's most humbling notes points out that the gods put up with bad behavior from countless people and still care for them. "But thou, who art destined to end so soon, art thou wearied of enduring the bad, and this too when thou art one of them?" (7.70).
The key phrase is the last one: "when thou art one of them." Most of us have been short with a waiter, curt in an email or snappy with family after a long day. Remembering that makes it easier to extend some of the grace we hope others will give us.
It also suggests a habit worth building: when you notice you've been rude, say so quickly. "Sorry, I was short with you earlier. That wasn't fair."
Gracious doesn't mean putting up with anything
Marcus was an emperor. Staying calm is easier when nobody can fire you, and the advice above lands differently for someone dealing with a hostile boss, a customer who controls their tips or a stranger who seems threatening. Your safety comes before your composure.
Marcus also knew there were limits. In one note he wrote that people are "the nearest thing to me" when it comes to doing them good, but when someone makes himself an obstacle, "man becomes to me one of the things which are indifferent, no less than the sun or wind or a wild beast" (5.20). A modern application is to adapt your plans when someone repeatedly obstructs you, while keeping your own conduct fair.
So if rudeness is constant, aimed at your identity or part of a pattern of mistreatment, graciousness isn't the main task. Keeping records, involving someone with authority or leaving the situation may be the wiser choice. And if you snap back sometimes, that doesn't erase your character. It just means you're human, which Marcus seemed to know better than most.
One place to start
Tomorrow morning, try Marcus's exercise with one addition. Think of one place where someone might be rude to you, then choose the one calm sentence you'd like to say if they are.
Having the sentence ready makes it far more likely you'll use it.
